Published 2011-02-08T19:39:00Z”/>
Serena Cervantes
I don’t mean to sound like a commercial, but if you have anxiety, you’re not alone.
This past week marked a serious turning point in recognizing that I can’t deal with anxiety anymore. I mean, it’s not that I won’t deal with it – it just means that I can’t handle the ramifications of anxiety. It has been interfering with my life for too long and it’s gotten to the point where now I have to surrender. So I’m seeking counseling to deal with it.
For people who don’t have anxiety, understanding people who do have an anxiety disorder is far from easy. It’s not the fault of people who don’t have the disorder if they don’t understand, it’s just that extreme anxiety doesn’t make sense to them. The behaviors of people who do have anxiety are based on irrational beliefs that go unchecked – that’s why so much of what they do looks or sounds absurd.
Recently, I tried to move into a new home on Hickory Street where I was to rent out a room. The rent was cheap and the location was closer to the university than my previous apartment, so I thought I’d give it a go. The roommates were nice, but I noticed that there were a lot of people coming in and out of the place, since it was in the “college” part of town. I was used to having only one roommate and being alone most of the time.
By the time I moved everything into my new room, I looked around, aimlessly going through my stuff, trying to unpack. My heart started racing. The voices of my new roommates, their friends and the neighbors were overbearing and too loud, the smell of cigarette smoke alarmed me and I watched my window as it began to get darker and darker as the sun went down.
I couldn’t help but cry as I thought my life was being threatened by this different environment. I felt as if I was in jail – people were abandoning me – I was completely alone in the world – I couldn’t breathe – I needed someone to hug me – hold my hand – I couldn’t think – my life was ruined – this was a stupid decision – I wouldn’t finish college – I’m going to die.
See? Completely irrational.
That same night, I called up a friend to come get me and take me back to my old apartment where I felt sane with my old roommate. The next day I paid the tenants at the Hickory Street place $250, packed up my things and headed home.
The nightmare on Hickory Street is an extreme example of my anxiety. I could’ve given the new location a chance. I could’ve made some new friends. I could’ve been paying cheaper rent. I could’ve, could’ve, could’ve but just couldn’t.
The truth is though, I wasn’t ready to move. That wasn’t the change I needed. I needed therapy to deal with a
force that needs to be reckoned with.
I’m not an expert on anxiety, but I’ve been dealing with it ever since I was a kid. So, the disorder and my bad habits are going to be hard
to break.
I sabotage romantic relationships and procrastinate on assignments. I’ve flunked a few classes because of it, evaded family functions or even just human contact. I don’t speak up in class, mainly because whenever I do my heart palpitates so fast I can’t catch my breath, and I don’t socialize as much as I should.
I have a long way to go. The first thing I have to change are the ideas attached to my thought patterns. Most of the time, they’re negative self-criticisms tormenting me in my head.
In the words of a commercial, if you’re like me, or if you know someone who is, I would encourage you to get counseling for anxiety to rid yourself of unnecessary hurdles in life and start living it instead.
Serena Cervantes can be reached at
