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THE O-FACE: Baffled by bedroom blunders


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Published 2013-05-15T06:00:00Z”/>

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Chantal Richards

I once farted during sex. My face turned beet red, and all I could think was, “Oh, no.”

So, that happened.

I was always taught not to fart in public because it is something a civilized woman does not do. So here I was, naked, on top of someone, and it slipped between my butt cheeks and whistled out.

I couldn’t think of anything else to do but laugh in this circumstance.

Needless to say, I eventually recovered from my fit of giggles and continued.

There are many embarrassments that can happen to anyone at any given time, but here are the top five to watch out for during sex.

Performance flunk

This one happens to plenty of men I know. “Whiskey dick” is really common for those who indulge in too much booze, suffer from erectile dysfunction or just aren’t in the mood.

I have had experiences when my partner couldn’t get it up. But instead of getting all flustered and mad because “mama needs her sugar,” I simply let it go.

The few partners I had who faced this problem appreciated my understanding, because honestly, mama is going to get her sugar anyway. I just have to wait a few minutes.

Not making your partner’s limp dick into a big deal saves him from embarassment and spares him from an attack on his ego.

Throwing up

I personally am proud to say I make it to the bathroom every time I need to puke, but not a lot of people are as fortunate.

Drinking too much liquor before being pounded hard by a partner can cause the spins. This is not the time to deepthroat, ride on top of your partner or take a good whipping.

Breathe slowly and locate the nearest trash can if you know you are not going to make it to the loo.

It’s the best way to avoid throwing up on someone while you are in the moment.

Queefing

This cannot be helped. The first time I queefed, I almost cried.

My not-so-experienced self was extremely upset after this horrid sound like a submerged whale came from my vagina.

I stopped and looked at my partner in shock, but he explained to me it was a common occurrence caused by trapped air.

Ladies, just let it happen. It’s unavoidable, and partners will not look at you weirdly, even if you are glowing red and feeling mortified.

‘Say my name’

Hitting the moment of climax and not being able to filter your thoughts — let alone what slips out of your mouth — can be humiliating.

For instance, you might tend to call out the wrong name. Oops.

This is embarrassing, but what is worse is when you try to cover up the cry of passion.

“Oh my god, Patrick! Oh, hat trick, hat trick.”

Nice try, but your partner heard “Patrick” before you cried out “hat trick,” which hopefully he thinks is some form of sex move.

Saying ‘I love you’

Reaching what you think is an intense moment of passionate sex gets shattered when you or your partner yells out, “I lo-o-ove you.”

Too soon.

This sudden declaration tends to halt the sex mid-thrust, and it’s embarrassing to try to explain.

You could try to say, “I love this moment,” but it just makes things weirder. The best thing to say is you were caught up in the moment and didn’t realize what you said.

Laughing it off is the best way to overcome even the most embarrassing moments in sex. It might seem like the end of the world in the moment, but weeks later you’ll be laughing about it with your partner or friends.

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<strong>Chantal Richards can be reached at</strong> <em><a href=”mailto:[email protected]”>[email protected]</a></em>

  1. Can’t get it up
  2. Chantal Richards
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      THE O-FACE: Baffled by bedroom blunders