Published 2011-02-15T19:09:00Z”/>
August Walsh
If I were to have one wish come true, I would wish for the ability to turn the city of Chico into a human being. This way, I could show this town how it really comes accross, and perhaps become best friends along the way.
If Chico were a man, I would nickname him Papichulo, which translates to “sexy daddy,” because he would be both handsome and mysterious.
Let’s start with the head. Papi would have the head of Zach Galifianakis, the actor who played Alan from the movie “The Hangover” because if there was any town that could survive a one-man wolf pack, it’d be Chico. In case you haven’t seen the movie, Galifianakis has a big bushy red beard and loves to carry around a satchel – or a “man purse” – just like Indiana Jones.
Papichulo’s head would be disproportionally larger than the rest of his body, sort of like a bobble head or a centaur. The reason why is because from what I’ve seen, most Chico residents are far too confident in how they see themselves, resulting in an inflated self-esteem.
With regards to the rest of Papichulo’s body, he would wear saggy blue jeans, a sideways baseball cap or a beanie and have a huge golden necklace that reads “G Money,” because there are too many “bros” and Jersey Shore enthusiasts roaming around town.
During the average weekday, Papichulo and I would work out for four straight hours at the Wildcat Recreation Center, doing 1,000 pull-ups, pushups and fist pumps while making awkward grunts. We would then take a 30-minute power nap, drink some protein shakes and then go back for another workout.
Every Friday and Saturday night, we’d ride our skateboards around town looking for a pingpong tournament. At this point, we would both wear tank tops, baggy gym shorts that are pulled down too far and flip flops.
After winning our game, we would do our victory dance, which consists of more pull-ups, pushups, fist pumps and awkward grunts.
If Chico magically appeared as a woman, she would be a Chico-style Snooki and there is no doubt in my mind I would try to make her my girlfriend.
She would look like a combination of Megan Fox and Ellen Page, but she would act like Hermione from the Harry Potter series. Basically, she would be a super-awesome sorority girl with a perfect grade point average.
Our first date would include a few slices of pizza from Franky’s in the backseat of a pedicab and running through the fountain downtown next to the post office mainly because she would be a really cheap date. Then we would probably end the evening with some singing and dancing at ’80s night because too many women in this town are obsessed with the long lines and loud music that downtown has to offer.
If Snooki and I were to become a serious couple, we would ride our tandem bicycle up to Upper Bidwell Park, where we’d enjoy a nice relaxing afternoon swimming from hole to hole in thousand-degree weather.
But after months of dating, I’d find out from her twitter page that she had been sleeping with my roommate the entire time, so she and I would have a traumatic breakup because I’ve seen too much drama result from social networking.
I hope I will one day find a genie lamp to make my dreams come true. But for now I’m fine with just thinking about the kind of shenanigans that Chicostein’s monster would unleash upon this small,
unsuspecting village.
August Walsh can be reached at
