The Orion

Horrorscopes: with the all-knowing Shazam

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Published 2009-03-23T00:00:00Z”/>


<strong>Aquarius<em>Jan. 20 – Feb. 19</em></strong>

You’ll soon find out what a rusty trombone entails.

<strong>Pisces<em>Feb. 20-March 20</em></strong>

Your favorite band doesn’t want you as a fan.

<strong>Aries<em>March 21-April 19</em></strong>

Your name means “dumbass” in Spanish. Coincidence?

<strong>Taurus<em>April 20 – May 20</em></strong>

You’re a lot like Weezer. You were much cooler 10 years ago.

<strong>Gemini<em>May 21 – June 21</em></strong>

Is that a trucker hat? Really? I mean, Jesus, dude.

<strong>Cancer<em>June 22 – July 22</em></strong>

That pill he gave you wasn’t birth control. It was a Mentos.

<strong>Leo<em>July 23 – Aug. 22</em></strong>

Don’t feel bad about last night. Experimenting is normal.

<strong>Virgo<em>Aug. 23 – Sept. 22</em></strong>

You’re lucky your dad was too cheap to buy condoms.

<strong>Libra<em>Sept. 23 – Oct. 22</em></strong>

Nice six pack. Still no friends though, huh?

<strong>Scorpio<em>Oct. 23 – Nov. 21</em></strong>

Your boyfriend thinks of me when he’s in bed with you.

<strong>Sagittarius<em>Nov. 22 – Dec. 21</em></strong>

That short skirt goes great with your low self-esteem.

<strong>Capricorn<em>Dec. 22 – Jan. 19</em></strong>

I think that cool nautical star would go great with your tribal tat.

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      Horrorscopes: with the all-knowing Shazam