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Rimming’s renaissance: Tossing salad no longer taboo

William Rein

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Illustration by Miles Huffman

I eat ass.

That’s right — I toss salad, arguably better than you will see at Sutter Dining.

I might as well drop out of college, because I’ve already got my career figured out. I’m an asstronaut. I take trips to the moon.

I’m an ass eater, and you should be too.

Recently, rim jobs have entered the public realm on a massive scale, some recent examples being Allison William’s sex scene in “Girls” and a number of rap hits.

However, it didn’t always used to be this way.

Religion has historically classified any sexual acts that are not meant for procreation as sodomy, and rimming certainly doesn’t make many people pregnant.

Rim jobs even used to be a form of punishment in 15th-century Europe. It sure beats stoning.

Rimming is making a resurgence, though, finding its way around popular culture, particularly in hip-hop music, which has never really held back. Rappers will do anything to exercise those elusive tongue muscles.

For example, Canibus’ famous line in his song dissing LL Cool J: “But you ain’t got the skills to eat a n****’s ass like me.”

That was career-ending.

But other rappers have spearheaded the taboo as well. In Big Sean’s trash hit “Dance,” Nicki Minaj is searching for the “best ass eater.” She brings it up again in “Anaconda.” Even Biggie Smalls talks about his crew encountering sewer chewers.

Rim jobs are finally getting the attention they deserve as an ultimate display of affection. Couples can feel more free to experiment with the act as it moves out of the shady corners of Belgian porn.

After kissing the starfish of love, no doubt you’ll be closer to your partner now that no part of their body is off limits.

Furthermore, south mouthing breaks down the social constructs of what’s masculine and feminine in sex, and what’s dominant or submissive. Rim jobs destroy the social mold — rim jobs are apocalyptic.

I’m not an advice columnist. But I will say, if you’re with a lady, don’t work your way up while in missionary unless it’s Christmastime, and you’re trying to give the gift of a urinary tract infection.

Sanitation is a huge thing. Ass puts the “A” in Hepatitis A. Shigellosis, a bacterial infection, is a concern as well. For these reasons, and many more, there’s nothing better than booty in the shower.

You may not be an experimental person. You may only encounter partners strictly interested in missionary position sex solely for the purpose of procreation. You may think of the human butt as a forbidden zone.

But remember, someone had to originally eat the forbidden fruit that gave us the glorious creation of sin. And sometimes, that forbidden fruit is an asshole.

William Rein can be reached at [email protected] or @toeshd on Twitter.

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Rimming’s renaissance: Tossing salad no longer taboo