Emoji emotions

Illustration by Miles Huffman

In the midst of a ten hour shift barbacking at San Francisco’s Starlight Room, a couple asked me to capture a moment with their iPhone and it occurred to me, I did not know how to use an iPhone.

The home screen was so foreign I could not figure out how to access the camera in the dark. Granted the lights were dim, music reflected off every surface in the club and I had a few drinks in my system so my senses were subpar.

I have since solved the struggle that puzzled me in front of my customers, but a new dilemma has surfaced in my mobile world – emojis. Androids do not produce emojis, not like iPhones do.

Apple has an extensive selection including generic and absurd faces as well as symbols like evergreen trees, spouting whales and a slice of pizza. In comparison, rudimentary androids offer none of the above except generic faces. And the faces aren’t even yellow. They’re slime green.

When peers shoot me texts containing emojis to emphasis emotion, all I receive is the outline of a square.

Not to mention, sexting is incredibly difficult without a big purple phallic eggplant emoji to send my bae’s way on #EggplantFriday.

To anyone who has my phone number, please, no more emojis.

Miles Inserra can be reached at [email protected] or @m_inserra on Twitter.