OrionScopes: Week of May 8


Photo credit: Briana Mcdaniel

Brandi Gualco

Editor’s note: The horoscopes below are compiled in a collaborative effort from The Orion’s opinion staff and have no actual bearing on current astrology.

Aquarius: Continuing to find yourself in trouble? That’s because you continue to make terrible life decisions. Just because you can use all your FAFSA money on a trip to Cancun, doesn’t mean you should. Just because you can use beer instead of milk in your cereal, doesn’t mean you should. Your decisions are starting to catch up with you and finals are around the corner. Try getting your life in order this week.

Pisces: You are a very smart individual. You’re always doing well in school and can actually hold an intellectual conversation. However, when it comes to common sense, you just don’t seem to have any. You’re the type of person to leave the foil on your leftovers when heating them up in the microwave or be fooled into giving out your social security number. The advice for this week is to hang out with someone dumb, but street smart so you can balance each other out.

Aries: Summer is approaching, but your summer body seems to still be hiding under your winter coat. This may be due to you eating a personal sized XL pizza for dinner every day this week and drinking more beer than water. One of two options are left for you. Either start hitting them gym before and after class or wear your gut with pride and continue slamming down on street tacos.

Taurus: Now that it is getting warm out you find yourself with plenty to do on your off time. The only problem is, you have no one to do it with. This is because you ditched all your friends when getting into a relationship over the winter and haven’t really talked to them in months. It’s time to mend some friendships. Try buying them something greasy and catching up on the lost time this week.

Gemini: Restaurant charges, bar charges, Venmo charges and Centerfold charges? Your outrageous spending is leaving you with a false sense of accomplishment and a negative balance in your savings accounts. This makes for a great Instagram picture but an overall bad situation when it comes time to pay for bills.

Cancer: You’re the student who comes to your professor’s office hours a week before finals asking for extra credit. At this point, it’s not going to happen. You’re only saving grace is to study hard for your last test and pray there’s a curve large enough to bring you 37 percent to a 70 percent. Maybe start looking into summer school.

Leo: You have major plans over the summer all to get your life together. The problem is you’re very inconsistent and never follow through with what you say you’re going to do. No one would describe you as reliable or overly ambitious. This summer, try to break this bad habit and do all the things you keep putting off.

Virgo: Good thing your summer body is good to go because people will then overlook your less attractive features. Such as your face. Spend your summer time with a hat and shades and you can potentially fool people into thinking you’re good looking. Don’t forget to apply sunscreen to prevent burns and wrinkles.

Libra: Looking for a summer job or internship but having trouble getting one? It’s because you’re applying for positions that you are way under qualified for. Stop looking for $25 an hour jobs when you only have burger flipping experience. Try something a little more in your league and you may have better luck. McDonald’s is always hiring.

Scorpio: Falling in love is a beautiful thing. Falling in love with any cute face you see or any person who gives you even the slightest bit of attention, is crazy. The word crazy and Scorpio are synonymous but this is far from the first time that you have heard that. Instead of terrifying every person you meet on the street with plans for your future children, try being a little more subtle in your approach this week.

Sagittarius: It’s a really good thing you’re better looking than most because there’s absolutely no way someone will be attracted to your personality. You’re as dull as a dried out marker and never have anything interesting to add to a conversation. As long as you can keep your mouth closed and seem mysterious, you’ll continue to have people chasing after you. Try reading a book.

Capricorn: Going out and drinking with friends can be a lot of fun. Going out and drinking every night and coming home blacked out is not a good idea. Your loss of money, friends and brain cells has people becoming concerned. Try sobering up for finals week.