Someone had to do it.

And by “it” I mean this article. There is no logical reason for that music video to exist.

Yet here I am, attempting to type while wrist-deep in cringe.

“Let me talk to y’all real quick, we just leveled up, AI power it’s legit.”

So it begins, the legendary single drop that will go down in Chico State history. KCSC is already talking about starting every show with this banger.

At least Associated Students President Chris Sullivan was being honest with the ‘real quick’ part. This track clocks in at 2:19, which you would never guess from listening to it. It feels … longer.

Fourteen seconds in and I already feel like I’m having a panic attack, swearing to myself that I can get through this gruesome mess, for the greater good.

The music is pulled straight from Kendrick Lamar’s “Not Like Us.” I honestly have no clue how they managed to make it sound so much worse. The scene opens with Sullivan on the Chico State track field.

At least he doesn’t bury the lead. He gets us the info about ChatGPT, asks us what we’re going to do with it and says something about a nickel. After about the fourth pass I gave up on that line.

Somehow, this AI-driven mess didn’t come with working subtitles, which I’m pretty sure means it doesn’t adhere to ADA standards. I would imagine that asking some internet-savvy software about whether an institution needs to meet those standards would yield a response similar to this one:

“Yes, videos need to meet ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act) standards if they are used by public organizations, businesses or entities that fall under the act’s jurisdiction. Specifically, these standards are tied to accessibility for people with disabilities, including the deaf and hard of hearing.” – ChatGPT

But what would I know? I’m just a student with a ChatGPT account.

I’m going to stay away from the merits of his claims about how AI will help you learn. I’m sure he’s making a completely nuanced argument or something. Honestly, I had to tune out for a couple minutes there – Shit, that was like 15 seconds.

Hard pass on attempting to explain why there were two women dancing behind Sullivan in the video.

Instead, we’ll skip to the first – regrettable – ear-worm section where Willie the Wildcat starts punching the air while Sullivan drops what I guess is our chorus.

“Chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, now it’s time, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, coming right, no barriers, now it’s yours, tryna have a tutor to help me through your cooooooores (cores).”

Fuck me, the panic attack is coming back. I’m going to go take a quick break and listen to something less gangster. I’m pretty sure I have a copy of Prodigy’s Return of the Mac on CD.

Ok, if you’ve gotten this far, please just stop. It somehow gets worse.

After the quick little horn section following Sullivan’s chorus(?) we get a close up of five women unbearably repeating “AI unlocked.” I’m too tired to count how many times at this point.

This next part is where they attempt to show how remarkably efficient ChatGPT is at helping you raise your carbon footprint. At least, I think that was the point of shooting the verse in a server room – fuck if I know.

In that server room is a middle-aged man with his shirt tucked in that I have been told is definitely a real person called Chris Witthans, from Information Securities, and not what happens when you ask ChatGPT to create the exact, stereotypical IT worker.

Anyways, he raps.

He is also here to assure you that your data is secure and that we’re not training models or having our data sold.

Seems super reliable to me.

After his verse the five repeater ladies say “lock it in” a bunch of times and then IT dude – definitely not AI created – says, “no leeks, no peeks, sweet(?) keeping it tight, you ask, it responds and it’s out of sight.”

Which – this is not getting any easier to write – leads to a mic drop for some inexplicable reason, featuring two different angles.

We’re almost there, though. Like a corporation trying to mine every last bit of data from the internet to train its rent-a-parrot – we can’t quit until we get to the end.

More “AI unlocked” from the repeater ladies, and still some dance cameos from Willie mixed in there.

The video takes us back to Sullivan on a picnic bench on the field, then straight into him dapping up the IT guy – I heard it only took 12 takes to make it look so … natural.

Then we get a quick attempt from Sullivan to create some kind of half-baked AI dance routine before a breakdown into a spoken word type section to round us out.

He talks about how AI is everywhere and does everything, and even Willie the Wildcat is barely hanging on at this point; mildly catatonic, phoning in his dance moves from a chair.

Thankfully, the last five seconds of the video is a cut to a CSUC logo.

And thank you, DoIT, and Chris Sullivan, for this certified banger, destined to reign forever at the top of the “who the hell asked for this?” category.

Sean Shanks can be reached at orionmanagingeditor@gmail.com.