Published 2009-02-16T00:00:00Z”/>
<strong>Aquarius<em>Jan. 20 – Feb. 19</em></strong>
There’s a reason that beer was so warm. It wasn’t beer.
<strong>Pisces<em>Feb. 20-March 20</em></strong>
You will no longer like being compared to Chris Brown.
<strong>Aries<em>March 21-April 19</em></strong>
You think AIDS is a new band from England.
<strong>Taurus<em>April 20 – May 20</em></strong>
You won’t be able to sit for weeks after your date Friday.
<strong>Gemini<em>May 21 – June 21</em></strong>
Contrary to your opinion, 2 inches just isn’t doing it.
<strong>Cancer<em>June 22 – July 22</em></strong>
Avoid redheads at all costs over the next few days. Trust me.
<strong>Leo<em>July 23 – Aug. 22</em></strong>
Your studded belt isn’t punk rock. It’s pathetic.
<strong>Virgo<em>Aug. 23 – Sept. 22</em></strong>
Your obsession with Battlestar Galactica isn’t weird at all.
<strong>Libra<em>Sept. 23 – Oct. 22</em></strong>
You’re distantly related to your new boyfriend. Ew.
<strong>Scorpio<em>Oct. 23 – Nov. 21</em></strong>
Your 10-gallon hat clashes with your lifted truck.
<strong>Sagittarius<em>Nov. 22 – Dec. 21</em></strong>
Pulling out doesn’t prevent pregnancy. Sucks for you.
<strong>Capricorn<em>Dec. 22 – Jan. 19</em></strong>
Second-hand vibrators aren’t going to impress her.
