Published 2002-12-04T00:00:00Z”/>

Jon Miller<br>Satirical Columnist

A surprise inspection by the California Department of Health Services last week revealed that the Student Health Center is among the most “unhealthy” buildings on campus, right behind the Whitney Hall third-floor bathroom.

“The results of our inspection were, to be frank, shocking,” said CDHS inspector Ha Chu. “A health center is supposed to be a sterile haven of medical knowledge and expertise. This was a snot-fest. A majority of our inspectors entered the health center and actually came out sicker.” Inspectors attributed the health problems to a large number of students sitting in the waiting room, hacking up colorful viscous substances from their lungs.

“My God, it was horrible,” Chu continued while wearing his XJ5 artificial-environment protection suit. “Students are forced to wait in that room for hours while reading old copies of the school newspaper. Those 15-year-old butterscotch disks they’re giving out couldn’t have been healthy either. And they sure didn’t score any points when the receptionist sneezed on me.”

Health center director Cole Lye, an accomplished nurse-practitioner, denied any wrongdoing by the health center, and said CDHS inspectors were angry over the parking tickets they received earlier that morning.

“The sign says very clearly that this lot is for permit-parking only. It’s not my fault that the three patient-only spots were full,” Lye said. “Just because inspectors were forced to pay a $45 parking ticket doesn’t mean they have to go and call the health center a ‘pit of festering disease and filth.'”On the contrary, statistics from the health center seem to indicate otherwise — there hasn’t been a case of serious illness diagnosed this entire year. In fact, records show that 99 percent of students who visited the health center were suffering nothing more than allergies. (One percent suffered acute botulism from eating pizza from the Bell Memorial Union.)

“We are proud to be the No. 1 diagnosers of allergies in the CSU system,” Cole said. “Students walk in our doors with a variety of symptoms: headaches, nausea, broken bones. But you should see how happy they are when we tell them it’s only allergies. We prescribe a bottle of Allegra, and off they go.”

Sophomore Jake Ross, a former member of the men’s basketball team, was one such student treated for allergies.

“I took a hard fall in practice, and my ankle was so swollen it looked like a softball. I told the nurse-practitioner my symptoms, and he told me that everything was going to be OK, that I just had allergies,” said Ross, who has since had his right leg amputated. “I couldn’t thank the health center enough. I didn’t suffer any drowsiness, stuffiness or uncontrollable sneezing fits since then.” He later added, “Now if Trinity Hall just had wheelchair access, things would be perfect.”

Despite such testimony, officials from the CDHS passed a tough new resolution that the health center must clean up its act or face “serious consequences.” The center has until Dec. 8 to comply.

“The Chico State Student Health Center has a long history of disregard for public health. Whether it be mistakenly diagnosing syphilis as an allergic reaction to cats, or prescribing the painkiller Vicodin pills as if they were Tic-tacs, we will force the health center to comply,” said CDHS director Donald Bumspiel.

The two receptionists and four nurse practitioners who operate the health center said they are doing their best to improve the quality of care and that CDHS officials need to “lighten up, man.”

“Man, those dudes sure are strict. I haven’t seen anyone this worked up over health since I flunked out of medical school,” said nurse-practitioner Mel Praktis.

As a peace offering, the health center offered the CDHS officials prescriptions of Vicodin, free of charge.

<em>Jon Miller is only joking and can be reached at <a href= “mailto:[email protected]”>[email protected]</a></em>