The Orion

Diary of a pair of twins

Sophia Xepoleas

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Illustration by J.Q. Hammer

It’s hot, muggy and crowded in here. Our owner only lets us out for fresh air a couple of times a day, and when it’s hot out, we can barely stand to be stuck inside of our enclosure.

We just hang here day in and day out, sometimes with no support whatsoever. And the worst part is — strange, creepy men stare at us.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m speaking on behalf of the lovely pair of twins I refer to as my rack.

I have grown a love and respect for the two lovely ladies that rest of my chest and let me assure you — having boobs is absolutely awesome. Men love them, women love them and everyone can admit that they’re almost always nice to look at.

As I’m sure most are aware of the benefits of owning a pair of these melons, some are unaware of the disadvantages.

Let’s start with the obvious.

We definitely just saw you staring

Some have mastered the art of discretion more than others, but there is nothing more awkward than when a stranger makes direct eye contact with your cleavage.

This usually leads to observers attempting to cover up their blatant gaze with little to no success at all.

Running with these sweater puppies absolutely sucks

This activity is one that I recently became familiar with, and my boobs suffered as a result. Trust me when I say that running with only one sports bra on is definitely not fun when you have size 36C chesticles.

Even after successfully strapping them down, you still have to deal with the unavoidable bounce.

Taking off your bra at the end of the day is comparable to an orgasm

After a long day of straps and underwires, there is absolutely nothing better than undoing those clasps and letting your funbags be free. It’s like a breath of fresh air on a nice day.

As a matter of fact, I would argue that women are almost more excited to take off their bra than men are.

Nipples are weird

Not all breasts are created equal, and the biggest difference lies right in the epicenter of the mass (hopefully): nipples. They are the strangest little creatures and everyone’s are unique.

Large, small, brown, pink, transparent — the list is endless.

Not only are all women aware of the diverse assortment of nipples in the world, they also compare theirs to others and wonder if theirs are considered “normal,” as if there is such a thing.

In retrospect, all of these things are just small casualties compared to the list of advantages in regard owning a pair of tatas. Sometimes they can be a pain in the ass (or back), but I can say that I would not be who I am today without my rack.

Sophia Xepoleas can be reached at [email protected] or @soph_mxx on Twitter.

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Diary of a pair of twins