Chico State is proud to announce the unveiling of the newest, shiny development on campus. Our humble, little school will be opening up an expansive, luxurious, $20 million golf resort later this year, all for the benefit of our students. 

But where will the startup capital for this new project come from? In addition to tuition fees, Chico State will be diverting wildfire aid money paid out from the Federal Emergency Management Agency to pay the majority of these costs. 

“We haven’t had a major wildfire in the area for nearly five years, so it’s safe to say we won’t be needing this extra money anytime soon,” Fakima Nameplace of student affairs said. 

In order to use the resort, students will need to enroll in our premium tier, “Wildcat Gold Membership,” which will charge an additional $3,000 in tuition fees per semester. This, in combination with the unrelated tuition raises, will offset the cost of this new outdoor wellness resort. 

Gold Member students will sign in using their Wildcat Recreation Center login, and enter the resort through a locked gate. 

Merissa Brando, director of student leisure, commented on the importance of this new facility: 

Many communal spaces on campus, including Selvester’s Cafe and Meriam Library’s third floor, have also been closed in an effort to promote further student relaxation. The library is even closed down every Friday and Saturday around happy hour, in an effort to curb strenuous studying. 

We are also proud to announce an additional amenity for our Wildcat Gold members; complementary dab pens. By partnering with local dispensary, Sour Cactus, Chico State students can keep their bright young minds slack and relaxed, on and off the green! 

Our wonderful new golf resort will feature several state-of-the-art amenities. One of these is a beautiful hole-like feature in the ground, in which students can throw money into a large pit. 

Leading experts in mental health research have indicated throwing away money is a great way for young people to de-stress. So if making a birdie is too hard, you can simply sign up on the WREC app, book a time slot, and enjoy lighting cash on fire and tossing it into a hole!  

This new project has also drawn some criticism. Students are dubious of the project in general, citing the sheer amount of money used, as well as the carbon footprint. In addition to the water it takes to keep the grass alive, the resort will feature such amenities as large, carbon-heavy fireplaces and luxurious water features.  

“I love golf as much as the next guy. But it just doesn’t seem right that we’ll be ripping out trees and natural organisms to make way for this resort. I feel like there are more responsible, eco-friendly uses for all that money,” said Hugh Jass, a kinesiology major. 

Wildcat Recreation Vice-Chairman Tamatha Clementine addressed these concerns: 

In addition to student disapproval, the golf resort plans have also been called into question as problematic and hypocritical. Just last semester, Adventure Outings, a chapter of Associated Students that provides outdoor recreation, was nearly eliminated. 

Fortunately, the program was saved by an outpouring of support from students and faculty, and an ample amount of criticism.   

Furthermore, there is buzz around campus the money could be better suited to funding college staples, such as a football team or a chess club. 

“It just seems like not a lot of people care that much about golf or are going to bother to use it. I understand that wildfire relief money can only be used for so many things. But this just feels frivolous and unnecessary,” said Caprice Obvious, captain of the Chico women’s curling team. 

Regardless, the WREC is proud to announce the grand opening of this golf resort will be held on Monday, Dec. 4, at 3:45 p.m. 

At this time, only faculty will be admitted. Light refreshments will be served, and “pats” will be delivered to backs. 

DISCLAIMER: This article was written as satire and does not reflect reality. All people and events referenced in this article are fictional or distorted beyond objective truth. Fore!

Kit Beauchamp can be reached at [email protected].