President Donald Trump was found dead in the Oval Office with a Big Mac in his hand Friday after giving a heated speech about Social Security payments going to dead people.

Melania Trump, his third wife, reported that she was absolutely distraught after seeing his asphyxiated-body laying on the poop and makeup stained floor.

“He looked so helpless, like a beached whale,” she said.

Later she was seen shopping at the mall after receiving a large sum of money from the Social Security Administration.

Upon the FBI’s investigation of the suspicious death, they uncovered that Melania made a comment to a cashier at the mall saying, “Did you know that it was this easy to receive Social Security from dead people?” as she bought a Louis Vuoitton bag. 

The FBI has alleged in an indictment that Melania Trump conspired with the world richest man, Elon Musk, to take the 78-year-old’s life, in order for her to get his money and Musk to become president.

Chris Hutton and Jenna McMahon can be reached at [email protected] or [email protected]