This is a satirical portrayal of the Greek formal culture.
This May, students coping with the stress and demands of their final exams might be pleased to find that not everyone is sharing in their turmoil. Sources and social network information has confirmed that this weekend was not all dedicated to academia.
Instead, students have found their timelines flooded with filtered pictures of young Greek-life Chico residents dressed up and posing for what can most accurately be described as Adult Prom.
Sources say that these fraternities and sororities call the events “formals,” or events dedicated to showcasing each individual’s inherent privilege to their peers.
Chico State “students [sic],” prepared for the night by contacting other Greeks and asking them to go with one another as dates.
“It keeps everything within the Greek community,” said Chris Hartman, president of Delta Upsilon Iota, an unaccredited and non-academic fraternity on Ivy Street. “That way we don’t ever have to talk to or be seen with anyone unlike ourselves.”
Many Greeks stressed the necessity, importance and functionality of the gatherings.
“If we don’t do spring formals,” Jessica Johnson said. “Then how are we supposed to have pictures of us in dresses and suits for our Instagram’s?”
Others, like Derrick O’Brien of Delta Iota Chi, feel the bi-annual festivities are actually too infrequent.
“I honestly want to have more formals,” said O’Brien. “It gives us more opportunities to remind others how much more money and free time we have than they have.”
Once dressed in their rented suits and new dresses, the students gathered on beer stained wooden decks to take pictures with their dates, their sorority sisters, fraternity brothers, their dates and their sorority sisters, their sorority sisters and their sisters’ dates, their fraternity brothers and their dates and some sorority sisters and some randos that didn’t find dates but still went anyway.
“The photos all turned out great,” said Rachel Smittie, a Upsilon Tau Iota pledge. “After ten tries or so, we were finally able to get Facebook profile picture for every person there.”
Photo evidence shows that the pictures were complimented by 37 year-old couches and broken red plastic cups.
Several Greek organizations feared that their event might have been too high-brow for Chico, and traveled to Lake Tahoe to hold the formals there instead.
“Don’t worry though,” assured senior Mike Polowitz of Sigma Tau Delta. “Everyone will be able to see how wealthy we are and how drunk we can get on our Twitter’s and Instagram’s on Monday.”
Dylan de Wit can be reached at [email protected] or @DylanTdeWit on Twitter.
