A couple of years back I went to visit a friend who I was extremely attracted to. Believing he felt the same, I planned on making my move. It seemed I was mistaken.

He was being a gentleman and took the couch instead of making the assumption that I wanted him in bed with me. I “couldn’t sleep” so I told him the bed was too big for me. He joined me, we talked for a bit. Then, in my own way, offered myself to him. It was a fantastic fail, I have never felt so embarrassed. My sex-esteem and confidence took a major hit. The next morning I gathered myself and what was left of my pride and headed back to Chico.

I have since then learned some very valuable tools that boost my confidence and morphed my sex-esteem.

• Love yourself. I haven’t always been in a place where I loved myself. In fact there was a time where I almost despised myself. I wasn’t valuing who I was, I was valuing the things I wasn’t. I was comparing myself to others. This is one of the ten things to change in How to Boost Your Confidence in the Bedroom.

• Get Naked! I am soft and curvy and I love walking around in my apartment naked. And yes, every time I look in the mirror I look and giggle, and sometimes even say out loud, “You’re sexy.” I have also been know to sometimes just grab my boobs in appreciation as to say, thanks ladies. Seeing myself naked helps me to appreciate my body.

• Laugh, whether alone or with a partner, having a sense of humor is key. I tend to let stress take over and it does not make me feel sexy. Laughing can alter that and bring me into the present, making me more open and receptive to thumping thighs or feeding the kitty.

• Role play is another way to get out of your head and have fun. It can also be a way to pretend being confident as a character until it feels more genuine, and can build trust and communication as supported in The Power of Dressing Up. Talking with your partner and exploring different fantasies is lots of fun, and it does allow for more variety with a partner. Who knows, you could even discover you’re a kinkster.

• Friends. I have a friend who always makes me surprise myself. He gets me out of my comfort zone and pushes me to talk to people I normally wouldn’t. Having friends that can do that can do wonders for confidence. They provide safety while nudging you to be adventurous. When you’re with them it can also be a great time to have a dance party.

• Reading is fantastic. Reading erotica not only kicks me into gear but also helps me realize things I’d like to try and helps me explore parts of myself by asking the question, “Why does this turn me on?” Visual media is also helpful when exploring that question. There can also be a large benefit to just letting go and going down the rabbit hole of desire.

Sex-esteem and confidence are qualities we can all have but it does take work some days. So get naked, grab whipped cream, or a whip and have fun.

Joann Chevaillier can be reached at [email protected] or @jmc_8284 on Twitter.