The thump of the bed against the wall, the squeaking of the mattress and cries of passion leave me sweaty, breathless and wanting a do-over.

Let’s be real, making noise in bed is a huge turn-on for both sexes.

Most of the time.

When the noises being made get borderline creepy, too dirty and downright disturbing, there is a problem.

I’ve heard a lot of noises and made some myself in the bedroom. Here are a few examples:

Mute or Mouse
There was one partner I had who wouldn’t make a peep. No heavy breathing, no words, nothing. He enjoyed what I was doing but was never vocal about it. I get being quiet but too quiet is weird and results in me turning music on or becoming more vocal to fill the silence.

If you’re not inclined to make noises, make sure your partner knows ahead of time.

Communicate in some way that you enjoy it so your partner doesn’t think your bored out of your mind falling asleep.

Religious Experience
I am guilty of this. Between the thrusts, kisses and different positions, sometimes yelling, “Oh my God” adds to the whole experience. Most of the time, it is between trying to breathe through the pleasure so it comes out raspy, which really gets the partners going.

There is nothing wrong with it and sometimes even whispering it in your partner’s ear leaves him/her praying for more.

Heavy Breather
This is the most common noise made in bed. I like breathing heavily without making any other sound, if i can help it. The reason is I, like many others, are aware of the roommates and neighborhood houses that sighing and breathing heavily is enough.

It still lets your partner know you are enjoying it, like when you breathe slowly then faster and faster until he/she has finished.

Dirty Mouth
This is not one you can clean up with Orbit. Dirty talk is fun, exciting and a turn-on. Until it goes too far.

Telling your partner things like “You like that? You dirty bitch,” and “I want you to piss all over me” is not OK. Ever.

I have had the dirty talkers and usually pulled a face of disgust in the middle of a spew of horrible words.

Porn is not the answer to teach how to talk during sex. Things like “You like that? Me too,” “I am going to go slowly and then I am going to go hard” and “I….Loooooove….Youuuuuu” are all acceptable. Tone it down and take cues from your partner.

Daddy’s Home
Where this notion came from, I will never know. Yelling “Who’s your Daddy?” to “Daddy, that feels good” is not my cup of tea.

Some people are into it and have learned it somewhere along their sexual journeys.

I found out I wasn’t into it when a partner kept asking me to call him Daddy and to say dirty things while in the act of sex. It was disturbing and borderline incest to me.

Other Noises
Screaming is one. I have screamed before but usually I muffle it with a pillow over my face so it doesn’t sound like I am getting murdered.

Other noises you might be familiar with is the quick grunt, the “HUH” that sounds like a baboon calling its mate.

The “Ah-ah-ah” in different pitches and at different volumes that usually is said in succession of one another.

I even had a partner make the chewbacca noise. That was weird and all I could think is “How is he doing that?”

Noises are made by both sexes and it depends what you and your partners want.

Raise your voice and let your vocals add to your sex life, not cause detrimental harm.

But, there’s a catch

According to a recent poll by UK-based sex store, Love Honey, 1,171 people showed a clear split between the way men and women go about love-making.

Of the 566 women surveyed, 94 percent said that they were louder than their partners in bed, and 70 percent of the 605 male respondents agreed.

The reason, women feel a strong need to fake orgasms more than men do.

A 2010 sex survey found 80 percent of women faked orgasms, according to Huffington Post.

The report discovered women used vocalizations to speed up the process because of fatigue, discomfort, time and even boredom.

Another study found that women’s “copulatory vocalizations” were reportedly made before and during male ejaculation and not during their own orgasms.

When making noises in bed, don’t fake it. You’re not helping your partner out, even if you think it makes him/her feel like he/she is doing an awesome job, when he/she isn’t.

Chantal Richards can be reached at [email protected] or
@ChantieRichards on Twitter