Whether they terrorize the E-seas themselves, or have simply benefitted from knowing an torrent junky, no one’s hands are clean when it comes to online piracy.

In spite of online piracy’s prevalence, some thieves seem to have heavier hearts than others.

For those who have been cursed with a lawful alignment, here are some tips from a born and bred chaotic-good.

Lies to tell oneself before committing online piracy.

It’s just a sample

Sampling is smart. It’s why people feel the need to try 10 different ice cream flavors before inevitably settling for cookies n’ cream.

One must always know their options.

One of the best lies that I tell myself when stealing off of the internet is that it’s just a sample. If I hate the album, good. I’ll delete it. It’s gone, no harm done. That’s just smart money-management.

If it’s good, I’ll honor the artist’s accomplishments by purchasing the album, thus showing my support for their efforts and upholding all that is righteous and good in this world.

As one might guess, I rarely make it to that last step, and it isn’t because the music always sucks.

The Noble Thief

Personally, I’ve come to resent the “p” word. Pirates are such violent, uncouth creatures.

When I illegally download an album or film, I see myself more as a Robin Hood type character.

Cold, calculated, but with a heart of gold; I steal from the rich and famous and give to those in desperate need of entertainment.

Some obscure folk band comes out with a great album; buy it.

Some starving writer manages to put out a decent novel; show some solidarity and buy it.

But don’t expect me to shed a tear over a stolen copy of Michael Bay’s latest summer blockbuster.

Me paying $8 to see one of his films in theaters is the true theft here.

Ultimately, the key to excelling at online piracy comes from within.

If one can conjure up some strong enough lies to justify the theft, then the most important battle has already been won.

Zachary Phillips can be reached at [email protected] or @ZachSPhillips on Twitter.