Sex isn’t the time or place to chat. Believe me, as someone who often mingles constantly with so many people throughout the day — conversations fall flat in the bedroom.

I get it, people often mistake verbal foreplay in the bedroom as something that can spice things up behind closed doors. But are you actually listening to what your partner is saying?

Last month, I received a very urgent phone call from one of my best friends back home. Breathing heavily, she asked me to come over as soon as possible.

I couldn’t help but wonder if something terrible happened to her. Did she fail a test? Did she get into an accident? Could she have had a bad hair day and somehow ran into all of her exes?

With this thought in mind, I drove to her house only to find her laying on the bed doing absolutely nothing.

“Oh my god. I basically read a book while having sex last night,” was the first thing she said to me. My best friend explained to me that while she was having sex, the guy would not stop talking. It wasn’t the kind of talking where you cuss words out or moan really loudly and dramatically, but instead, the kind that is degrading to women. He continuously asked her to reciprocate the verbal foreplay.

He’d tell her to say how much she wasn’t worthy of having sex with him because of how much older he was. He was only 4 years older. When he wasn’t trying to make himself seem like he had the upper hand in the bedroom, he was using his hands to tease her and make her beg him to stop.

“Yeah, fuck me you little slut!” was what he was saying to her, among other things.

Was that a turn on to read? I’d hope not. Sex should feel liberating and free, where both partners can feel comfortable and satisfied throughout the process. Unfortunately, this is disrupted by side conversations and verbal foreplay.

Trust me — I’m all about foreplay and dirty talk when I’m alone or when things are about to get started. But if we’re already going at it and I’m close to reaching my climax, the last thing I want to hear from my partner is “Tell me what you want, baby. What do you want?”

Good question. What do I want?

Hm, maybe thinner legs? Quieter neighbors? For someone to pay for my tuition? Now, here I am, about to reach my climax and all I can think about are these minimal inconveniences in my life when all I wanted to do was have a good night to forget about these things.

Maybe I’m being dramatic but you get what I’m trying to say. Why talk dirty when you can just show me? Often times, I get questions like “you like that?” and I can’t help but wonder if my moaning was not enough for him to see that I did like it? My toes curl up, my hands are grasp tightly anything nearby. Am I giving off the wrong impression?

With these kinds of thoughts running through my mind, I’m suddenly not aroused anymore. Well, there goes a possible orgasm.

I know many kinky, outspoken people who often have good sex without needing verbal foreplay. Just because you’re not giving a play-by-play of how you’re feeling while having sex with your partner doesn’t mean you’re boring or bad in bed. If I was into dirty talk in the bedroom, I’d know what to say and when to say it. But if the sex is good enough, I wouldn’t feel the need to.

Rachel Reyes can be reached at [email protected] or @theorion_news on Twitter.