Aries

If your college courses seem boring now, then next semester is going to make you cry. Your lifelong dreams of working as an accountant or a nurse to make an insane amount of money are dull. Think of how beautiful your future supercar is going to look when it’s sitting in your driveway. It’s probably going to become the most interesting thing about you.

Taurus

Don’t let that recent failed test hold you back from graduating in four years. Everyone has to fail breathing 101 at some point, just retake it before your mother realizes how useless an arts degree is in the workforce. To do better in some of your classes, try not only showing up to the first and final class of the semester to work on your “artistic” style.

Gemini

It seems like every time something good happens, there’s an equal amount of stuff to bring you down. This is because you either complain way too much and annoy people into giving you stuff, or you brag constantly about the things you have. Try not to annoy anyone this week by keeping quiet about the successes and hardships you might encounter this week.

Cancer

Getting a job in Chico can be difficult, especially if you aren’t really looking. You’ve been complaining about the financial dependency you have on your parents but aren’t trying to do anything about it. The dreams you have about becoming a model might be too far fetched since you can count on one hand how many times you’ve been to the WREC this semester. This week, try actually looking at a few reasonable jobs to give your parents a break from supporting you.

Leo

You’ve developed a relaxed attitude that a lot of people really like. The only problem with this is that you’ve been a little too relaxed when it comes to school. Calling the professors “dude” and forgetting about essays that determine most of your grade is only making you look like a future college dropout. Try showing some more pride in your academics to avoid ending up on the first bus headed back home.

Virgo

Things have been difficult for you this week, but at least all those pizzas and burgers you’ve been consoling yourself with won’t go to your thighs just yet. You’ve been choosing to eat out at every meal because you’re stressed out about passing your classes. Relax. Try taking some time for yourself this week, instead of eating yourself into an episode of “My 600-lb Life.”

Libra

It was a startling discovery this week when you found out that your bank account number included a comma. This would have been great if there wasn’t also a hyphen involved. Buying those $7 drinks really adds up when you order five of them a night. Try being a little more fiscally responsible this week, and avoid making unnecessary purchases.

Scorpio

You’ve had a great amount of luck this semester with your exams, but you’ve been resting on your laurels lately. Getting an A on one test doesn’t mean you can miss the next seven assignments. Striving to get a barely passing grade in an easy class isn’t going to boost your GPA. This week, try being active in your classes, instead of watching your grade slowly decline.

Sagittarius

You’ve been having a lot of classes get canceled this semester whenever a big project is due. This is great, but you aren’t using the extra time to actually do your work. Instead, you’ve been trying to catch up on sleep that you don’t need. Try staying awake this week to actually finish some of the projects that you would otherwise neglect.

Capricorn

You’ve been working hard at your job and in school, but you’ve also been forgetting to sleep. Outside of studying and being the only worker to ever actually try at McDonald’s, you haven’t had much of a life. The lack of sleep is making your irritable, and you’re becoming too much of a recluse. Instead of working yourself to death, try taking a little time off to relax.

Aquarius

You haven’t been able to find a social group to connect with. This is because you don’t really talk to people. Instead of going out, you spend most of your time in front of a computer at the library. Try going out this week and actually meeting new people, who don’t only exist online.

Pisces

This week is likely going to be uneventful and boring. Other than working and going to school, not much has really been happening in your life recently. Instead of just moping around and waiting until someone invites you out, be spontaneous and fulfill a lifelong dream this week. Just try to stay away from the drugs that are still illegal.