Getting used gets ugly

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Prin Mayowa

I’ve always been the type of girl who never assumed boys liked her. I never thought I was attractive and I found myself questioning it.

During my first semester of college, I met a guy who made me feel as though I was funny, intelligent and most importantly — pretty.

Little did I know, I was one in a string of girls. How disgusting is that?

To add insult to injury, he stopped talking to me when he realized I wasn’t the type of girl that was willing to do what anyone asked of her.

I find that when I’m used, the feeling of being needed turns into embarrassment over ever thinking that someone could need me.

If there is a more soul-crushing experience than that, I don’t think I’ve felt it.

It’s as if people just assumed I understood the way the world works once I got boobs. People started wanting things from me and didn’t care to reciprocate or even consider how I felt when all was said and done.

The feeling of being used always seems to sneak up on me. It makes me feel so oblivious, yet so paranoid of who my real friends are.

Illustration by Frances Mansour.
Illustration by Frances Mansour.

Having a friendly disposition has always been been a strong suit of mine. I can’t help it — I’m an extroverted human who likes to be around other humans.

It doesn’t help that my trust is very easy to earn. I hate to admit it, but, I used to be so easily manipulated.

I was someone who was so used to giving without asking for anything in return. I never expected a “thank you” and I almost never found myself receiving one anyway.

Despite how many times I’ve been used, I always tell myself there is a lesson to be learned from it.

Being mistreated hardens the heart, takes away the ability to feel empathy for others and has the potential to crush self-esteem.

I am in the process of rebuilding myself. I’m slowly envisioning the person I want to be.

I’d like to think that I am no longer a pushover, that I don’t care about what people think of me anymore.

I had to get used to saying no. I had to recognize that the only person who was losing was me. But not anymore.

There is nothing more profound than realizing that I’m worth more than what others think of me.

Prin Mayowa can be reached at [email protected] or @PrinSupreme on Twitter.