Breaking News
Chico State's independent student newspaper

The Orion

Chico State's independent student newspaper

The Orion

Chico State's independent student newspaper

The Orion

What will the end of the world look like?

Kevin Crittenden

Sooner or later humans will vanish. And while the earth will probably breathe life into different organisms, the reign of homo sapiens will be over. With so many global issues to fear, which one will be the death blow for our species? Here are a few potential endings for the story of man.

Asteroid Impact

Following the fate of the ill begotten dinosaurs, we may witness the obliterative force of a gigantic asteroid smashing into the planet. Tsunamis will turn the edge of continents into a sand-blasted waste. Dust and debris will climb into the stratosphere, blotting out the sun, our life giving star. Nothing will grow. Everything will choke or starve or be blown to bits by the power of the impact.

Zombie Pandemic

It’s only a matter of time before rabies and steroids find out they’re made for each other. When they do, hide your kids. Rabies plus steroids equals zombies. Zombies plus air travel equals zombie terrorists. There’s no stopping zombie terrorists.

The Matrix

It’s been the robots this whole time. We’re already peas in a red jelly human bean pod network, pumping fresh energy from vats of our vital bodies into the power systems of robots who rule the planet. Real earth is a repugnant wasteland. A nuclear winter, which doesn’t harm the robots, makes the world cold and dark. Sleeping deep in ultra high tech software delivered through a cable to the head, we won’t have to see how ugly—how ruined— earth is.

Jerry Garcia Holocaust

Some people are awaiting the rapture. But instead of Jesus coming back, Jerry Garcia floats down from above, guitar in hand, to play good vibes music like the pied piper. As crowds of people magnetize to the universal sounds of peace and love, Jerry snaps his fingers and a flood drowns out the entire naughty, wasteful human race. Our souls evaporate into the cosmos, awaiting being taken up by celestial bodies and eventually pulled into animals from some other distant, sacred planet.

Kevin Crittenden can be reached at [email protected] or on Twitter at @kevlodius.

Leave a Comment
More to Discover

Comments (0)

All The Orion Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *