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Bumping uglies with the past: A hopeful disaster

Sophia Xepoleas

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Illustration by J.Q. Hammer

It takes a special kind of person to have sex with an ex and come out unscathed. But that doesn’t stop us from doing it anyway.

To clarify, by ex, I don’t mean that person you texted every day for a month only for it to fizzle out in an unnecessarily melodramatic scene. I’m referring to the best friend, I can’t go a day without you, I’m in love with you, but my parents hate you type of ex. That person you’ll always have an unexplained connection with, but you know it isn’t right.

If humans were consistently logical by nature we would stray far from an ex after parting ways, but some of us like to play with fire — myself included — and it’s no surprise that we sometimes stumble our way back.

Sure, it’s exciting to partake in such a seductive activity with someone who once knew you so intimately. But I’m guessing that the sex was never the problem in your relationship to begin with.

As levelheaded as you may think you are while bent over the kitchen table, there is one factor that could influence the potentially dreadful outcome of this passionate spontaneity.

HOPE.

That sparkling glint of hope is in fact the devil on your shoulder convincing you that there is always a chance you two were meant to be together.

If you find yourself naked on top of an ex thinking that things are “just like they used to be,” this is your cue to abort mission. Finish of course, then kiss your ex on the cheek and get out of there.

Take this as a chance to reflect on why exactly you and your ex didn’t work out in the first place. They’re part of your past for a reason and reminding yourself why is the best way to avoid emotional upsets.

On the other hand, if both you and your ex have been apart long enough to master the art of emotional detachment, then sex away. Explore those ever-so-familiar bodily curves of your once significant other and enjoy the activity you both can agree you were always good at.

That said, I do understand that these emotionally detached folk are a rare breed. Those mere mortals that sometimes allow for physical intimacy to carry over into their mental stance on the matter aren’t exactly as fortunate. Some people just don’t have the emotional capacity to share something so affectionate and subsequently accept that it was just physical business.

If your loins are just burning for the sexual presence of another human being, there’s nothing wrong with taking the cliche route. To get over someone, get under someone else.

Ultimately it comes down to knowing yourself and how you may or may not react to having sex with a former lover. If you’re able to accomplish this with no feelings attached, then by all means go for it. But if not, it’s best to excuse yourself from any further sexual relations with your past love.

Sophia Xepoleas can be reached at [email protected] or @soph_mxx on Twitter.

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Bumping uglies with the past: A hopeful disaster