Give me something to believe in

Illustration by Darian Maroney

I’m agnostic.

This is surprising to some because I’ve been going to a Christian church for years.

They don’t understand how I could be unsure about the existence of God when I’ve been so involved in church.

I used to be in choir and band. I used to be a youth leader. I was the first one to go pray at the altar.

And now, I don’t even go to church.

Over the years, I began to see things differently.

Some moments in my life made me believe there was no God.

For two years I thought that.

I would get in arguments with my parents. They just couldn’t understand why I would say such things.

They thought I was going through a rebellious stage.

Although they knew my beliefs, they still took me to church hoping that one day I would regain my faith.

I would say I had a lot of homework to get out of going, but my parents would always tell me that I could do it at church, so that never worked.

It wasn’t until I got to college that I stopped attending church. I didn’t have my parents here to force my hand.

I was on my own, and I could make my own decisions.

It was also here where I started having doubts again. I questioned whether there was a God.

I wanted there to be a God.

I needed something to believe in.

It was then that I realized no one can ever prove whether God exists or not. It’s a personal choice to believe whether there is one or is not.

Nobody is wrong for believing what they choose.

For some, finding what they believe in is easy. But for others, like me, it has been a struggle.

I’m still discovering things about myself and trying to find my way around this life.

But knowing that there could be something better than this has made everything a little better.

It’s OK to get lost once in a while. It’s OK to believe in different gods. It’s OK if you don’t.

As long as it feels right, it shouldn’t matter what other people think.

I’m agnostic now, but I could change my beliefs yet again.

That’s life — trial and error.

Daisy Dardon can be reached at [email protected] or @daisydardon on Twitter.