It’s arrived at campus … the BLACK PLAGUE!

Despite the health risk posed by the ancient sickness, the university announced they will not be ending school early, in fact, they will be extending the semester by two weeks so those suffering from the black plague can make-up the assignments and finals they missed on their deathbeds.

Since the black plague has been around for centuries and already killed millions, it’s old news, as such, the university has not released any advisories. So if you notice giant boils or blackened fingertips, just ignore them, you’re dead anyway!

However, if you do realize the black plague is killing you, the university is offering quarantine spaces in the WellCat Health Center at a rate of $500 an hour, or $1,000 an hour for a premium quarantine room equipped with a velvet-lined coffin to die in.

If you can’t pay for a quarantine room, you can always hole up in Whitney Hall; it’s already killing people … watch out for the mold.

Fortunately, the university will begin stocking plague doctor’s masks with wilted carnation petals — because they’re so cheap and the Rose Garden is more important than students — in every building … once the State of California gives them the Oh Shit and Not Again Grants. 

If students or faculty members die on campus, their bodies will be collected, just look for the nearest staff member pushing a wheelbarrow and shouting “Bring out your dead!”

The administrators are being quarantined in Kendall Hall and are being treated by the country’s best doctors.

The families of students who die on campus will be expected to pay any fees incurred at the university with an 80% interest rate, including tuition and quarantine fees. Luckily, these families will dodge the tuition raise that will be imposed in the fall. 

If the families cannot pay these fees, they can sign-up to be a dead collector.

Nothing in this article is factual as this is a satirical piece, however, certain points may reflect existing issues.

Ariana Powell can be reached at [email protected].