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Chico State's independent student newspaper

The Orion

Chico State's independent student newspaper

The Orion

Chico State's independent student newspaper

The Orion

Get ready to scream!

All facilities will now run completely on the screams of the constantly-lied-to campus community
A person screams. Photo by Jan Kopřiva: Pexels.

Chico State has been taking notes from “Monsters, Inc.”  and will be fully transitioning to a new energy source: scream power.

Except instead of using the screams of children to power facilities, they will be using the anguished screams of college students, faculty and staff.

All facilities will now run completely on the screams of the constantly-lied-to campus community.

Due to the system of emotional repression common across every CSU, Chico State will be installing scream tanks to encourage campus community members to let those bottled-up screams rip.

The scream tanks will collect donated screams of anger. Students and faculty simply need to scan their Chico State ID before entering the tank, press play on the screen inside — which will play old videos made and posted by Former President Gayle Hutchinson and Interim President Jolene Koester — and scream as loud as they can. All tanks will be soundproof to avoid scream contamination.

Additionally, if tears are also collected inside the tank, the university will provide bonus points — administered via the scanned IDs — that can tally up for rewards such as a place on the waitlist for a therapy session.

To ensure students remain in a constant state of tension, the university higher ups will be increasing its slights against the campus community via insensitive emails and revealing hidden sexual assault cases, among others.

Any students who find themselves short on negative emotions are invited to make an appointment with the new scream counselor who will show campus community members the following to ensure maximum screams:

  • The futility of the tuition raise
  • Flimsy campus safety plans
  • The CSU chancellor’s current salary
  • President Steve Perez’s strike reporting form

The counselors will also continue to pit the faculty and students against each other. A university representative said this alone is expected to run the university for a year.

And if none of that works, the addresses of administration members will be auctioned off every three weeks to those who need extra scream fuel.

Soon enough the university will leave behind the scream tanks and have campus-wide scream sensors, so campus community members can scream as loud and long as they want, all for the benefit of the university.

If the university continues as usual, the campus will be infinitely powered. Hate is power.

Disclaimer: this article is satire and everything in it is not true, despite its realistic implications.

Ariana Powell can be reached at [email protected] or [email protected].

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About the Contributor
Ariana Powell
Ariana Powell, Editor-in-Chief
Ariana Powell is in her fourth year at Chico State as a media arts (criticism) and journalism (news) double-major. Now in her fourth semester on The Orion and having assumed the editor-in-chief position, she is prepared to continue helping upcoming journalists and endeavors to continue building her repertoire of multimedia and writing skills. In her free time, she enjoys writing, watching and analyzing films, reading and spending time with her loved ones.

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