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The Orion

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The Orion

Presidential elections Swift-ly approaching

This is SATIRE
Swift+Campaign+Logo+%2F+Designed+by+the+Swift+Campaign+%28Satire+logo+created+by+Garrett+Hartman%29
Swift Campaign Logo / Designed by the Swift Campaign (Satire logo created by Garrett Hartman)

The quadrennial tradition of Ye — formerly Kanye West — announcing his run for president was interrupted this week. In the middle of an unhinged, non sequitur rant that would make Alex Jones blush, the press conference stage was stormed by none other than Taylor Swift.

Swift grabbed the mic saying, “I’ll let you finish, but …” before announcing her intention to run for president as well. The room was immediately filled with quiet shock. 

It’s rumored every entertainment journalist, news pundit, political analyst and NFL exec in the world collectively hallucinated a “ka-ching” sound effect, followed by a compulsive giddy shiver felt nationwide.

When asked why she would put her billion-dollar music career on hold to pursue political ambitions, Swift said, “Considering my Era’s tour has essentially single-handedly saved the U.S. from a recession and driven millions in sales for companies I’m barely related to, I figure I might as well get credit for it.”

Swift went on to say, “Hell if I made my rallies free concerts, the economic impact alone would do more good for the country than either president has in the last eight years.”

Aside from her massive impact on the economy, Swift argued being an internationally touring musician has given her quite a bit of foreign relations experience.

“What better tool than music to heal the growing divide between America and its international friends and foes?” Swift said.

While people initially doubted how competitive Swift could be considering her lack of political experience, some analysts have said she could easily take a landslide victory.

Swift isn’t very popular with some large demographic groups — insecure men suffering the greatest distraction to their Monday night Bud Light binges since Kaepernick knelt for the anthem. Swift is, however, incredibly popular with young people, an elusive demographic notorious for not voting.

“Put the biggest superstar in the world on the ballot and the government may see a reckoning it couldn’t imagine,” said Elle Lector, an analyst for the think tank People for Pop Stars.

News pundit Phil A. Buster said, “We think Swift may be the ‘make conservatives cry’ to Trump’s ‘trigger the libs.’” 

When asked about the announcement, Travis Kelce said he was “incredibly excited at the prospect of serving as the ‘first boyfriend.’” He went on to say he would maintain his position on the Kansas City Chiefs, citing his familiarity with doing “two things at once.”

With the nation dreading the coming election could be a rematch between two of the most disliked candidates in history, who’s to say the pop star isn’t the golden ticket to finally having a third party victory?

President Biden addressed the announcement in a press conference at the White House where he gave a very puzzled look before saying, “I don’t think we have to worry about this James Taylor fella.”

Trump on the other hand had this to say at a rally: “Taylor … We all know Taylor … you know Kanye made Taylor. We love Kanye, great guy. But this Swift girl, we’ve got nothing to worry about … nothing … you think she’s popular? Look at all of you … all of you beautiful people. We are way more popular.” 

When shown the clip, Swift stifled a laugh.

To make a stacked ticket even better, rumors from those close to Swift say she is considering Greta Gerwig as a running mate. Her pick further opens the cold pit of repressed toxic masculinity dwelling in the souls of a coddled male populace.

Time will only tell how this bombshell announcement affects the election, but one thing is for certain: Ye will announce another failed campaign four years from now.

 

To state the obvious; this article is a work of fiction purely for entertainment purposes. All quotes have been fabricated and do not reflect the beliefs of the real people included. 

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