The media tends to make losing your virginity seem like a piece of cake.

In reality, only a few lose it in the way they envision.

No one is really ready to start having sex, ever. It is common for the act to begin spontaneously, after one lets his or her guard down, and the first time isn’t always flattering.

As a virgin, you don’t know what you like and you certainly don’t know what your partner wants. You don’t know if you should just lie there like a stiff board, how to thrust, which hole to aim for or what your partner is thinking.

You’re so unsure of yourself that you utter — more than once, probably — “Does this feel good?” as you earnestly look for any clues that tell you your partner is having the time of his or her life.

And chances are, if your partner is more experienced, they are trying and failing to enjoy your inexperience.

For women, it hurts the first time a man ventures into their forbidden fruit. They start to bleed, which can look like a tiny stream or a flood.

Not something I fantasized about when I pictured my first time.

In fact, I was 18 and drunk at a party when I lost my virginity.

I wanted a full-length storybook romance, but instead I got an embarrassing and awkward vignette.

He picked me up, we drove to the orchards in the middle of Marysville and got it on in his car. I was in the front passenger seat, on the bottom.

It gets even worse.

I talked the whole time about topics that escaped my mind.

He got just two words in, which were: “Oh crap.”

“What is it? Did the condom break?” I asked.

“No, I just came.”

It was finally over. It lasted for what felt like a lifetime but must have been only 20 minutes.

I didn’t hear the sound of the birds or the bees. Just the sound of crickets on the mostly silent car ride.

Mine is not the most glamorous sex story out there and certainly not the story I imagined telling my children one day when I explained how mommy lost her virginity.

Having sex is awesome, but getting the ball rolling is not. Sex is an art that must be learned and practiced, so don’t be surprised or worried if your first time isn’t great.

Chantal Richards can be reached at [email protected] or @ChantieRichards on Twitter.