The Orion

How to be a good roommate

Joseph Rogers

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Illustration by Darian Maroney

Being a great roommate is so easy.

Don’t clean. Someone else will sweep and do the dishes. I’ll clean off the bathroom counters and snake the drains that have filled up with hair.

I love having to wear sandals in the kitchen so my feet don’t stick to the floor.

Don’t pick up after yourself. I was a waiter. I’m used to it.

Leave the glasses, plates and empty cans and bottles. I don’t need a tip either. Don’t worry; I won’t be having guests over any time soon.

I have plenty of time in my schedule between class, work and homework to clean up.

Have a party. Don’t worry about talking to anyone else about it. Getting some sleep the night before a long day at work doesn’t interest me.

Feel free to have guests thunder up and down the stairs repeatedly shouting “Chico.” Use up all the toilet paper, bitch at me when the beer runs out and walk into my bedroom at 12:30 a.m. thinking it’s the bathroom.

Also, see above on cleaning and picking up.

Bring a pet. I know, the lease says no pets, but that’s more of a suggestion than anything else. Who wouldn’t want a cute little puppy, kitty or tarantula in the house?

Take everyone else’s food. I make more than enough being a full-time student and working part time to support a family of four. Eggs, milk, butter, bagels, cream cheese, candy or frozen foods, it’s all good.

My food budget can expand to include everyone else’s culinary needs.

Don’t replace household items. Toilet paper, paper towels, dish soap, sponges and floor and glass cleaner all grow on trees. Just ask the house-cleaning elves.

Leave used feminine hygiene products floating in the toilet. Nothing quite makes my day like seeing that when I roll out of bed at 5 a.m.

Move your romantic partner in without asking. I know this person just as well as you do. Don’t worry, I won’t mind them sitting around the house all day. They don’t need to pay a share of the bills.

Don’t pay the bills with the money I give you. I can get along without power. It’s just electricity. Who needs the fridge, stove, water heater, microwave or coffee pot to be running, let alone a TV, PS3 or computer?

Don’t give notice when moving out. It’s not that big of a headache to rapidly transfer bills to my name. There are plenty of responsible people of quality out there, compatible with the remaining roommates, who are just lining up to move in.

Hell, they’ve been knocking on the door asking if we have a room available.

Don’t pay the rent. It’s okay. The landlord won’t mind a bit. And if they do, hey, the rest of us are simply overjoyed to pay the three or more months’ worth of rent that is still owed. What’s the worst that could happen?

It’s not like a landlord would actually evict the rest of us, right?

Joseph Rogers can be reached at [email protected] or @JosephLRogers1 on Twitter.

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How to be a good roommate