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The Orion

Redhead redemption

Photo credit: Helen Suh
Photo credit: Helen Suh

The concept of redheads becoming extinct seems to be a funny anecdote. However, there is proof that this is actually a serious issue.

Researchers at ScotlandsDNA estimate that redheads could be extinct in a couple hundred years as a result of climate change.

It is crucial to know that red hair is a hereditary trait. The more common that the red hair gene is in a person’s ancestry, the more likely they are to have red hair. If two redheaded people have a child, their offspring will definitely have red hair. Definitely.

The fact that redhead extinction is nearing seems to be a well-known tidbit. It gets dropped in conversations in nonchalant manners all the time. Just Google “Redhead Extinction” and you’ll get back 178,00 results. However, I have yet to see somebody address this as a serious problem.

I think that Chico State has the ability to turn this problem around.

We need dorms that house only naturally redheaded individuals. There will be no exceptions to these rules. In order to be admitted into the dorms, the students will each take a compatibility test. Opposite gender individuals that are deemed compatible by the test will become roommates. Each room will accommodate two males and two females, all of which score similar scores on the test.

In order to save costs, each room will be equipped with only two twin beds. The heater needs to be consistently running, solely to ensure that it’s hot in there. Coed bathrooms and saunas will be made available on every floor. To save energy costs lost from the continuous heater, only one shower will be available for use at a time.

I’m not sure if you’re catching my vibe so I’m going to stop beating around the bush, no pun intended. The dorms will encourage relationships between the residents. Relationships result in sex.

The rainforest can’t be saved without planting more trees. The polar bears can’t be revived if there aren’t any baby polar bears. We need ginger babies.

Try not to think of this as captive breeding. There are dating websites designed specifically for blacks, Jews and Christians. This would just erase the medium. It’s an in-person dating service with much greater odds of success.

The ultimate result would be a rise in the natural redhead population. A new generation of babies, sprouting from the ground like carrots, will be able to roam the world naturally as they were meant to be.

A wave at a sporting game begins with one individual standing up with their arms in the air. They stand up, not because they fear failure, but because they know that the whole crowd will stand along with them. Students of Chico State, let’s do the wave together.

The issue now becomes taking action. We need somebody with power to propel this change.

As the natural redhead population dwindles before our very eyes, a whole breed of humans beckons for a savior. Meet the president of Chico State, Dr. Paul J. Zingg.

President Zingg plans to retire after the 2016 spring semester. I believe that it is in his best interest to undergo one final act that will continue to drastically affect Chico after he is no longer president.

Like God calling upon Noah to erect an ark, I call upon President Zingg on behalf of the Chico State student body and all redheaded individuals everywhere to use his administrative power to take action against this gradual social genocide. If we can make these dorms a successful reality, this concept may very well spread to other college campuses.

This may not seem like a priority for some individuals. Granted, climate change and animal extinction are huge issues that deserve the attention that they receive. Yet the preservation of redheads does not take away from these other issues.

If we let the redheads slip through our fingers, it will only propel our process of loss. Black rhinos are extinct. Passenger pigeons will never blanket the skies again. It’s time to say no. Not the redheads too, damn it!

No matter who you are, we can all agree that in a world of darkness, we can use a little red.

Sam Rios can be reached at [email protected] or @theeemessiahon Twitter.

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