The Super Bowl sucks

Illustration by Miles Huffman

This Sunday, I’m going to either squeeze through the crowds at The Banshee or Riley’s, or let myself be dragged to a friend’s family’s house and stare indifferently into a television screen showing a football game I don’t care about.

It’s the Super Bowl, and whether you’re a football fan or not, you’re probably one of the 68.4 million people that watched last year’s four-hour crapfest, and odds are, you’ll do it again.

But why? Are you a Seahawks or Patriots fan? Probably not. Unless you’re from anywhere north of Salem (doubt it) or Boston (not likely) there’s no reason to watch the Super Bowl for the game itself.

The Super Bowl is a grotesque example of the commercialized, ostentatious garbage-entertainment that people will watch as long as somebody tells them it’s important.

It is insulting to every reasonably thinking person that values their intelligence and appreciates their inherent ability to act based on true-will, depriving every American the ability to tell themselves, “You’re not a loser. You can think for yourself. You don’t have to put up with this garbage.”

The halftime show, starring Katy Perry and Lenny Kravitz, doesn’t entice me at all. Katy Perry and Lenny Kravitz. Let that sink in.

Katy Perry’s audience demographic makes up, I don’t know, zero percent of NFL viewership?

Lenny Kravitz hasn’t done anything of value since you were wearing choker necklaces and frosting the tips of your spiky hair.

But, embarrassing as it is, “Fly Away” remains on my iPod to this day, and if I’m alone, I’ll probably let it play when it gets shuffled to. There’s something metaphoric about that.

That song is like the Super Bowl. It won’t go away. I don’t actually enjoy it. I feel insulted by its very existence. But for some unexplainable reason, no matter how much I complain about it, I’m going to watch it.

So, in summary, the Super Bowl is an offensively long spectacle of big media organizations slapping me across the face with relentless stupidity. But, for some reason, I’m still going to watch. See you there.

Dylan de Wit can be reached at [email protected] or @DylanTdeWit on Twitter.