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Horoscope for Oct. 4-11

Illustration by Miles Huffman
Illustration by Miles Huffman
Illustration by Miles Huffman Photo credit: Miles Huffman


Aries– Drunk Texter

Somewhere between four shots of pineapple Burnett’s and the wine bag you’ve just slapped, nothing can stop you from saying anything that comes to mind or going through your contact list and sending some regrettable messages. Sometimes it’s a pretty ballsy message to the person you like, other times it’s gibberish sent to your mom. Either way, your morning-after usually starts with looking at your phone followed by, “Oh, shit.”

Taurus– “No Guys, I’m Pretty Sober”

Even after three games of rage cage and a keg stand, you will convince everyone around you to drink more. Your favorite line to say is, “Nothing has hit me yet, let’s take a shot,” to the poor chump next to you already struggling to hold down his Fireball. Most of the time, you’re pretty good at concealing your intoxication— That is, until you fall into the beer table.


Gemini– “Where Did That Come From?”

Your low-key and laidback lifestyle goes out the window once the alcohol kicks in, almost as if your alter ego comes out. A few shots are all it takes for you to bust it out on the dance floor and be the life of the party. People are amazed to see the new you, and Monday mornings are usually filled with your legendary stories.

Cancer– “I’m Down”

Whether it be drinking more, going to a new party or getting a butt tattoo, once the beer hits you, you’re down for anything. This carefree attitude makes you everybody’s favorite party-goer and leads to some kick-ass stories the next day. Will you regret some of your decisions down the road? Probably. We all do. But at the time it was funny, and isn’t that what really matters?

Leo– Dancing Queen

When drunk, your dancing ranges from Chris Brown in his hay day, to a dad at his daughter’s Sweet 16 trying to be hip. But somehow, both seem to work out and everyone loves it. Once the music comes on, you immediately go to the nearest elevated surface. Besides having the time of your life, busting moves at every party is great exercise. Didn’t go to the gym? Don’t worry, Friday night will come soon enough.

Virgo– “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere”

You live true to your name. It doesn’t matter the time or place, you’re always down to drink. Sitting in your economics class can get pretty boring— might as well fill up your Camelback with a mixed drink and have a good time. You like to pregame before the pregame. For how often you’re drunk, you can always handle your alcohol.

Libra– “I Love You”

There is something about being six shots deep that brings out a lovey side to you. While drunk, you’re always in the greatest of moods, ready to tell everyone how much you love them. You will compliment everyone, whether you know them or not. Don’t get me wrong, making everyone feel loved is an amazing quality— keep to it. But just know the stranger you met in the bathroom whom you now “love so much” might not remember you the next day.

Scorpio– “Doesn’t Give a Shit”

Once the alcohol hits you, you truly don’t care. You will say or do anything without giving it a second thought. Sometimes you’ll get into a scrappy mood and say things without a filter. Most of the time it’s funny, since your friends know the sober-you would never act this way. You’ll drink drinks you’re not supposed to, run off with people you’ll regret the next day, fall off elevated surfaces and pop right back up to dance. But it’s fine, because once intoxicated, you can’t be fazed.

Sagittarius– Houdini

Much like Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit, all you want to do is go on an adventure. But Bilbo is instructed by Gandalf and you’re just drunk. It doesn’t matter where you are or what time of night it is, somehow you always find a way to run off. Maybe you saw a dog and wanted to chase it. Who knows? It is as if “Runaway” by Galantis is your Friday night theme song. After a while, your friends will get used to your disappearing act and know you’ll come back the next morning with some wild story.

Capricorn– The Emotional One

Whether it’s happiness, sadness, anger, lust or any other emotion, it all comes out when you start drinking. Think of it as a period, except without the cramps. For you boys, just imagine a roller coaster of emotions. If you’re happy, you will let the whole world know it, handing out compliments like it’s your job. If you’re angry, there is a good chance you’ll be getting into a fight. It’s always a surprise going out with you. No one knows what to expect.

Aquarius– The Confident One

The saying that alcohol is liquid courage couldn’t be more accurate in your case. Somehow a few shots of Burnett’s is all it takes for you to feel on top of the world. See a cute person across the room? Of course you’re going to go talk to them and more than likely, make out with them. You’ll probably push the DJ aside and pull up your Soundcloud playlist because it is “straight fire.” Having this much confidence in yourself and your decisions is recipe for a good time.

Pisces- “Black Out or Back Out”

Whether it’s a Friday night rager or a Tuesday night at Buffalo Wild Wings, if there’s alcohol, you’re all in. There’s no such thing as a casual beer for you, it’ll end up turning into a keg stand. Sipping on a glass of wine? More like slapping the bag. You can drink more than even the most extreme frat star. Despite the fact that you’ve just consumed enough alcohol to sedate a baby elephant, you’re never hungover the next morning. Usually, you’re just still drunk.

Megan Moran can be reached at [email protected] or @_babymegs on Twitter.

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Megan Moran
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