The O Face: When ‘sexpectations’ lack


Photo credit: David Molina

What’s the first step in becoming a god/goddess in the bedroom? Perhaps it’s recognizing that you’re not as good at it as you think.

Too many people engaging in casual sex are ultimately unsatisfied. It’s not because one or both partners were bad. It’s these awful sexual expectations that our culture has taught us to accept.

There are many different ‘sexpectations’ in today’s hookup culture and they vary between genders. However, one we all share is the idea that we’re not allowed to communicate explicitly with our partner unless it is within the confines of a committed relationship.

I think people underestimate is the effectiveness of communication. With no communication, we are left to rely on what the media has told us a hot hookup should be, creating a small list of archetypes that everyone is supposed to fit into.

It’s common to assume conveying what feels good versus what doesn’t isn’t something a person can or should do in a casual hookup. It can feel like overstepping boundaries. It can also be uncomfortable, especially if partners aren’t familiar with one another.

Yet, without clear communication, one has no other choice but to make assumptions about what the other wants. That’s where the sex takes a turn for the worse.

Think she’s impressed with that one sex position named after gardening tools? She’s more annoyed that the momentum dropped during the five minutes it took to execute it. Think he’s crazy about that meticulously rehearsed pornstar moan? ‘Is she faking it? Am I really that bad?’ is probably more along the lines of what he’s actually thinking.

The media is such a powerful presence today, it’s no wonder our casual sex lives are taking a turn for the worse. An article in the Wall Street Journal cited that for the 50 to 90 percent of men that view porn, notice less satisfaction in their intimate relationships.

Pamela Anderson, a former Playboy model and timeless sex symbol, has spoken out about the effects of the digital age, most reportedly noting a sense of disconnect and desensitization between partners.

While I believe that porn can sometimes enhance a healthy sexuality, it has the habit of reinforcing these sex stereotypes, especially if one doesn’t have any other source of information to turn to about what a healthy sexual relationship is like.

The only thing these people know is the on screen archetypes. The male is inherently dominant, and more sexually aggressive than females, which means that they are the ones assumed to take control in the bedroom. Females, however, are hypersexualized objects to cater to male pleasure.

There are so many supposed rules to what makes a good lay that I think, in the moment, we become more concerned about making the experience perfect that we forget to actually enjoy the experience itself.

Great sex, after all, comes from the proper stimulation of the brain.

The brain is working really hard trying to sort through the different sensations that happen during sex. A person spent focusing on the theatrics of sex will spend more mental energy on their performance anxiety than the pleasure itself.

How great would it be if everyone just got over their egos and talked to their partners about what felt good? There would be less guessing, for sure. Perhaps, communicating can help partners discover desires they never knew about. After all, the number one objective of a hookup is to cater to one’s sexual satisfaction. Wouldn’t it be nice to actually be satisfied every time?

It’s time to stop assuming that sex has to be a certain way. Stop entering the bedroom with these society influenced expectations. Every new partner is going to be different, with their own set of likes and dislikes. Engaging in the one size fits all mindset is setting oneself up for failure.

Opening the door up for communication can be awkward at first, but it’s also the door that’s going to lead to the best hookups. With proper communication, great sex can become an expectation that won’t disappoint.

Lorinda Sasan can be reached at [email protected] or @theorion_news on Twitter.