Editor’s note: The horoscopes below are compiled in a collaborative effort from The Orion’s opinion staff and have no actual bearing on current astrology.

Aquarius: Spending time outside and enjoying your surroundings is what makes you the happiest. Some may describe you as earthly. What they are really saying is you stink and need to shower. This week, try bathing and washing your hair regularly. Ditch the dry shampoo, buy some deodorant, and wash your clothes. Just because you can go two weeks without bathing, doesn’t mean you should.
Pisces: You may be wondering why your friends have been distant lately and why some people have unfollowed you on social media. This is because your political posts on Facebook and Twitter are annoying and no one cares about your opinion. You may take comfort in knowing that many did not unfollow you and instead just muted you. Try to be less whiny like Tomi Lahren and keep it cool this week.

Aries: You pride yourself on your spontaneous personality and carefree attitude. This scatterbrain mentality probably won’t even let you make it to the end of this short paragraph. Your irrational behavior this week may lead you to get a misspelled tattoo or leave your phone in a public bathroom. This week’s advice is to not bring your debit or credit card out anywhere and download the Find My Friends app.

Taurus: You have always had high confidence in yourself. This could be from the participation trophies you received as a kid and because your parents always told you how amazing you are. You also consider yourself the “Kim K” of your friend group and are not afraid to let them know. This week, eat a humble pie and don’t be afraid to be a Khloe or Kourtney.

Gemini: Bad luck may seem to follow you no matter how hard you try to escape it. Your “bad luck” actually stems from your lack of motivation to do anything other than re-watch Parks and Recreation episodes and stalk your ex on social media. Although I would advise taking responsibility for your misfortunes this week, it is more realistic that you will end up blaming your troubles on your predetermined fate.

Cancer: You have many friends and enjoy spending your free time socializing with them. You find yourself getting upset if they do not invite you places because you know that you would have invited them. Clingy is the euphemism for how you’ve been lately, Cancer. To avoid being too overbearing, I suggest not opening up Snapchat stories to spy on people, and finding friends that are also Cancers.

Leo: You enjoy frequently going out and having a good time. Everyone from your hometown talks about how they want to visit you and how wild and fun you are. You may notice that classmates do not want you in their groups for projects because they feel as though they will have to pick up your slack. The advice for this week is to sit out wine Wednesday and pick up a book.

Virgo: Sometimes you find it hard for people to take you seriously. The reason people don’t listen to what you are saying is because you are rambling about nonsense. Your belief in far-fetched government conspiracies with little to no proof and the claims that you have “seen UFOs” are not interesting points of conversation for most people. This week, try listening more than you speak.

Libra: Finding gossip to spread is what gives you a thrill. If your high school Hall of Fame had a “Most Likely to Be in Everyone’s Business” you would have been the recipient. This is why your hair is so big, it’s full of secrets. This week, keep your nose where it belongs and avoid the drama.

Scorpio: You have a vivid imagination and it has not gone unnoticed. You are likely to assume you are in a long-term relationship with someone who shows you the slightest bit of attention. Your friends might frequently tell that you are not crazy but are “acting crazy” when you mention something extremely frightening. This week, take a trip back to reality and get rid of your Voodoo dolls.

Sagittarius: Your personality sometimes does not click with others which is why your circle is small. Your friends might describe you to others by saying “you’ll like them once you get to know them.” This is either code for rude or vegan. This week try ditching the dark eyeliner and sarcasm and try to be less condescending.

Capricorn: You probably consider yourself an old soul that feels out of touch with everything. This is because you’re boring and you don’t have any real interests. You drink decaf coffee because you need to go to bed before nine and eat gluten free food because you’ve convinced yourself you have an allergy. This week, try a hobby from this century and update your blackberry to an iPhone.

Brandi Gualco can be reached at [email protected] or @TheOrion_News on Twitter.