Four steps to being drunk in class


College man drinks his night away Photo credit: Briana Mcdaniel

Getting drunk before class is an art form that many dabble in as an amateur, yet few have ever truly mastered. Years of careful study, meditation and deep introspection has led to a surefire list that will allow any lightweight drinker to maintain appearances in even the most difficult class. Behold, four steps to master being drunk in class.

Step 1: Choose your battles wisely.

If you’re going to an organic chemistry lecture it may not be a wise idea to finish a handle of Burnett’s Whipped Cream Vodka an hour before class. One must pick their battles and understand their limits. Match your alcohol intake to the difficulty of the class you’re attending.

A Sierra Nevada before microbiology is probably fine, but you wouldn’t want to go into your most difficult class with four margaritas in your system. However, if you have a three hour film appreciation class, feel free to polish off a bottle of wine or two beforehand.

Step 2: Do not make contact with the enemy.

It doesn’t matter how cool your statistics professor is, or how much you like your European history lecturer, when you’re drunk on campus the professor is your enemy. Let that be repeated for added effect, the professor is your enemy.

Do not ever raise your hand, do not ever talk to the professor before or after class and especially do not give a class presentation when you’re drunk. Presenting in front of the class with more than a shot of liquor in your system is a very bad idea, don’t push it.

Step 3: Drinking is a team sport.

If you can manage to bring some friends along for your debauched misadventures, do so. Having friends that are drunk with you in class can magnify the unbridled joy of the situation, just make sure that they’re team players.

Don’t bring your loud drunk friend along with you, don’t bring any sad or angry drunks and absolutely do not bring someone that can’t hold their alcohol. Nothing blows your cover like the guy next to you spewing chunks all over your calculus test.

Step 4: Retreat effectively from the battlefield.

Your buzz will end eventually, and if you’ve committed to your degeneracy with multiple shots then a hangover will come. Being stuck in a three hour philosophy lecture with a hangover is the definition of hell. Your drunk must be planned around a specific schedule, if you need to draw out a calendar or a battle plan then do so.

If you need to sneak a flask onto campus to keep your buzz going, understand the risks involved. Chico State is a dry campus and you don’t want your fun to end in a black mark on your scholarly endeavors.

Grayson Boyer can be reached at [email protected] or @gray_boyer on Twitter.