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Chico State's independent student newspaper

The Orion

Chico State's independent student newspaper

The Orion

Chico State's independent student newspaper

The Orion

CSU clarifies tuition raise as Halloween trick

This is SATIRE … again … it’s SATIRE.
Illustration created by Ariana Powell on Oct. 19.

On Friday, the California State University announced the multi-year tuition raise is actually a spooky theme for the first annual “CSU Haunted System,” which will take place on Halloween across all 23 campuses and the Chancellor’s Office.

“We wanted to make sure the ‘CSU Haunted System’ was a surprise for everyone,” Fortuna Collegium, co-director of the Office of Recreation, said. “But … we [the CSU] couldn’t resist leaving a few ‘easter eggs’ for the students, staff and faculty to stumble upon.”

The first easter egg was laid during the summer prior to the fall semester in the form of the “multi-year tuition increase proposal.”

The CSU staged the entire third day of the Board of Trustees September meeting — when the supposed tuition raise was approved — to further this haunted system tease.

A Chico State second-year, who preferred to remain anonymous, expressed concern about when the tuition increase ruse will end.

“If it was meant to be scary, well, they did a good job,” the Chico State student said. “I just wonder how long this joke will last, until after the Halloween event or five years from now.”

It is unknown when the “easter egg” will crack. The CSU has declined to comment.

The second theme is the current collective bargaining climate with the California Faculty Association.

“It wasn’t fair to just scare the students. We had to do a little something for the faculty too, and nothing’s as terrifying as having a wage below the cost of living,” Collegium said. “A lack of money is always the easiest terrifying thread to pull.”

There is one last theme the OOR plans to announce, this time, without the aid of months of terror and confusion.

After some cajoling, the OOR has given The Orion a sneak peek into the final theme: “fin-aid loss.”

The CSU has been secretly meeting with State of California representatives to institute a permanent loss of state grants and scholarships.

“The depth of the tuition increase ‘easter egg’ has set parameters that do not require the aid of state financial aid for our students,” Collegium said.

The CSU continues to decline comment regarding how long these “easter eggs” will last.

The main haunted element at Chico State will be at Kendall Hall. 

Campus community members will walk through a scarring scene depicting former Chico State President Gayle Hutchinson’s slow rise from the purgatorial afterlife.

The truly terrifying depiction will end in current Chico State President Steve Perez’s office where Hutchinson will fight him for the right to rule Chico State for one more academic year.

Then, in the dorm area, campus community members will be transported to an apocalyptic scene depicting the permanent termination of campus code red alerts.

A concept Chico State and the University Police Department tested at the beginning of last semester.

The third haunted house event will take place on the third floor of Meriam Library, where campus community members will make their way through a never-ending construction site featuring asbestos.

Attendees, please don’t be startled by your Chico State presidential cabinet member tour guides, no, they are not dressed up as their favorite dictators, that’s just how they look.

All attendees are encouraged to dress up as their favorite United States dollar bill since it’ll be the last time they will see one.

Tickets to Chico State’s “CSU Haunted System” will be $666 for all campus community members.

All proceeds from the “CSU Haunted System” will be going to CSU administrators. However, specific allocations have not yet been announced.

Disclaimer: This article was written as satire and is not in any way true; this disclaimer is a formality but exists due to how realistic the above statements may be. Thank you.

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About the Contributor
Ariana Powell, A&E Editor
Ariana Powell is going into her fourth year at Chico State as a media arts (production) and journalism (news) double-major. Now in her third semester on The Orion she is prepared to continue helping upcoming journalists, and endeavors to continue building her repertoire of multimedia and writing skills. In her free time, she enjoys writing, watching and analyzing films, reading and spending time with her loved ones.

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  • K

    Kirstie S.M. // Oct 23, 2023 at 2:23 pm

    This definitely hits too close to home *insert laugh-crying emoji*