OrionScopes: Week of March 6
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Editor’s note: The horoscopes below are compiled in a collaborative effort from The Orion’s opinion staff and have no actual bearing on current astrology.
Aquarius: You love being away at school and enjoying the college town feel that Chico State offers. You love it so much that your four-year degree is looking like a seven-year degree even though you are taking the simplest classes our university has to offer. Your parents are catching on to your excuses as to why you need them to transfer more money when the weekend starts to approach.
Pisces: What’s more annoying than showing up for an 8 a.m. Friday class that the professor forgets to take roll for? A Pisces. No one needs a 15 hour Snapchat story about how tired you are in class, or the fight you are having with your roommates. Try to be less whiney and over sensitive this week so people will stop trying to avoid you like a plague.
Aries: You have skated by in life simply on your good looks. People tend to overlook your low IQ and lack of personality because of your impeccable bone structure. However, you will soon start to age and people will not be as nice to you as they are now. Advice for the week would be to leech off someone who actually has a promising future and maybe sell some detox tea on Instagram for side cash.
Taurus: You’re looking for love in all the wrong places. You show up to Riley’s every weekend and wonder why you haven’t met your college sweetheart. This is because anyone you would meet at your local college bar probably accidentally peed on her romper earlier in the night while trying to go to the bathroom, or is maxing out his credit card buying Moscow Mule’s on buck night. For better luck, try the library or a cute well-known coffee shop.
Gemini: If there were a “Most Likely to Peak in the 12th Grade” in your high school yearbook, it would be you. You sport your letterman in your hometown and continue to discuss how you “almost” went D1. You reek of peer approval desperation and consume way more protein than the human body can probably process. Get a new hobby where you can release your competitive nature and focus on the future instead of living in the past.
Cancer: No cartoon has ever described a Cancer better than Mr. Krabs from Spongebob. You’re extremely frugal and care more about money than helping others. You’re the type of person to Venmo request money from a roommate for borrowing some toothpaste when they ran out. Try sending out some gift baskets to repair those lost friendships, and remember that money isn’t everything.
Leo: Your narcissistic habits make it almost impossible for you to be ready to do anything on time. The amount of gel or hairspray you have on at any given day weighs more than a small child, and costs enough to feed a small country. Try checking out a book this week instead of yourself, and put down the styling products for a while.
Virgo: There’s a fine line between a harmless crush and a creepy obsession, which you tend to cross more often than not. It only takes you about 30 seconds to become infatuated with a person who shows you the slightest bit of attention. Try to be a little more level-headed this week and avoid breaking any restraining orders.
Libra: When you finally do leave your significant other to hang out with friends, all you do is talk about them. The problem is, no one cares about the trip you both took over the weekend and that you adopted a fish together. Your single friends are not “jealous” but actually repulsed by your PDA and baby talk. Don’t be one of those couples who wear matching T-shirts and overuse “we” statements.
Scorpio: Your personal hygiene, or lack thereof, is out of control. You are constantly wearing dirty clothes and forgetting to wash your hands after using the restroom. Go shower and pick up after yourself, you dirty little human.
Sagittarius: You’re always the jokester of the group, giving everyone a good laugh. It’s a good thing you are quite the clown because it gives people a reason to see past your face and find something attractive about you. At least you know that people will actually like you for who you are and not your physical attributes.
Capricorn: Have your clothes been fitting a little tight? Well it’s not the dryer shrinking them, you’ve just been eating like a king. Well more like a King, Queen and all their servants put together. You are unintentionally remaking your own personal “Supersize Me” journey. Spring is coming, so it’s time to start shedding your winter coat and do some crunches.
Brandi Gualco can be reached at [email protected] or @TheOrion_News on Twitter.