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The Orion

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The Orion

Chico State's independent student newspaper

The Orion

Third floor of library hosts rage rooms amidst closures

Satire
Image+created+using+Wepik+AI
Image created using Wepik AI

A round of applause cascaded through the quarters of the fourth floor. This week’s battle royale on Meriam Library’s third floor had come to an end. The winner, Gayle Hutchinson, grinned victoriously, splattered with paint, sweat and sawdust. 

If you are a Chico State student who studies at the school library, chances are you’ve heard the construction noises emanating from the third floor. The third floor has been closed for the fall semester to accommodate crucial renovations, such as new lights. 

Not many are aware the third floor has also been utilized as a multipurpose space for activities! The host Rage the Page Inc., is a company that takes academic library space and turns it into a team-building leisure space! Think termites but with more capital.  

The school has been hosting games for party groups on the third floor. Below is a list of the best-sellers: 

Most popular is the immersive Rage Room, which delivers blood-pumping catharsis to anyone with some steam to blow off. Simply rent a sledgehammer or bat, a pair of goggles and swing away and scream while you bash bookshelves. Rentals of circular saws and blowtorches are also available for an extra $20. 

Marco polo with hammers

Participants are blindfolded and bang on the ceiling with hammers until the respective parties find each other. A stimulating treat for the senses! So far we have had 26 concussions and 11 fractures. Pre-med majors and nursing students get extra credit for being on standby in the lobby. If you see any medical students in the library lobby, make sure to say “hi” and thank them for their service! 

Capture the flag 

Teams of 12 are pitted against each other in a brutal competition as old as warfare itself. But here is the fun Chico State twist — the flag isn’t a real flag at all. Instead, we use a laminated copy of a payroll document that shows all the salaries of the administrative staff. It will blow your mind! 

Once a week, 12 members of the teachers union compete against 12 members of the administration. The teachers union hasn’t captured the “flag” yet, but remains confident the administration will lose its edge soon.   

Rage cage 

We play a beloved college drinking game, with a twist. While many of our fraternal organizations are wrapping up pledge season, some are still in the midst of hell week. For a limited time, we are offering to lock the pledges up in reptile cages, courtesy of the biology department, while the brothers play a spirited game of rage cage. The match winners “win” full autonomy of the pledges for the weekend, where they will be subjected to menial labor at chapter houses. 

The big one 

Every 30 minutes, students on the second and fourth floors are given a jolt of cortisol and adrenaline via “the big one.” Invented by former president, educator and mad scientist Gayle Hutchinson, the big one is a 10-second long droning noise used to keep students on their toes. Measuring in at nearly 100 decibels, the big one lives up to its name and is cheaper than an espresso. 

Recently, we have had reports of rowdier parties vandalizing equipment on elevators. This behavior is unlawful, and those engaging in vandalism outside the designated areas will be prosecuted to the fullest extent. 

We live in a busy, frenetic time, with more distractions than ever before. The sounds of the third floor provide real-world exposure to train our bright students to tune out sounds like drilling and bashing while working. 

 

DISCLAIMER: This article was written as satire and does not reflect reality. All people and events referenced in this article are fictional or distorted beyond objective truth. Back to smashing. 

 

Kit Beauchamp can be reached at [email protected]

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About the Contributor
Kit Beauchamp
Kit Beauchamp, Reporter
Kit Beauchamp is a Communications Major at Chico State University. Originally from Fairfax, CA, he transferred to Chico from Santa Barbara City College following the Covid-19 pandemic. Kit has always been interested in writing and journalism, and this is his first semester writing for The Orion. He hopes to use his platform to give voice to all facets of the student body, shed light on interesting and relevant topics, and present the unbiased truth. In his spare time, Kit enjoys music, fried foods, run-on sentences and looking at colorful birds.    

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